What is your position?

Everyone plays games. Some are victims, others are villians, hence the rest will be judges.

My Mum is always the victim. Be it, towards her husband or children. The worst thing is I am very much like my Mum. Hence I am a victim too. I cannot communicate. I cannot tell others or rather the people who are hurting me they are hurting me. I cannot request them to stop. Cos somehow they can always turn it around and say it's my fault. Talks and requests always only make things worse. Hence I can only endure or risk making it worse. I cannot express fear. Or anger. Actually most of my emotions.

Therefore I always just try to avoid things.

I do not want to be a victim anymore. But sometimes I feel I am trapped.

This is like playing volleyball or perhaps any team sports. If you are a setter, do you think you can be a spiker? Do you know the rules, the techniques, the everything?

But I do not want to be a victim anymore.

And what is your position? Do you want to switch like me?

Maybe it is time

There will be a time in life whereby you leave your family and start your own. You will know when.

Most people is when they are starting their own family. But for others there are other ques.

Like you step on your Mum's feet every other way you turn. You anger her. You piss her. Or rather she thinks you are trying to corner her, make a fool of her, thinking of millions of ways to step on her.

Tell me, you know that it's time when these happen right? How do you ignore it? I had said and did many things, including smashing a bowl with green bean soup. I knew I should not have. I even tell myself, warn myself about the mess. But I did. The thing I hate most is when my Mum says I look down on her, belittle her, did not love her. But that is what she is saying everyday. Today as I was waking up, I overheard her conversation with my brother. She told him. I am trying to step on her with every possible chance.

Perhaps I did. Perhaps I should not have said things. Perhaps I should speak to her like my passengers. Perhaps I should applie my customer skills at home.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... But one thing is certain. Should I move away and visit her weekly. Things will be easier. I will be able to service talk her.

It's time...

Divorce

Divorce, I believe, can be a reasonable thing to do. When you realise you no longer love your other half perhaps the better thing to do is to go your separate ways. And be adult about it.

But my parents's divorce is pretty ugly. They try to involve everyone possible. Everyone has to take side, make your stand. If you are not for me, then you are against.

They almost fought yesterday. And I did the darnest thing. I just screamed and screamed. I do not want to see they wrestle each other. Leave me some good memories. I do have some, you know.

My Mum keep saying that I was pushing her. I merely wanted to keep her away from him. I merely wanted to leave.

I was afraid. I was afraid that they will fight. And I have to take sides. But it's the same. My Mum will remember me pushing her. My Dad will recall me protect my Mum. Either ways, I took the wrong side.

Believe me, I wish that they both live a better life after the divorce.

Saddest moment

My brother's good friend from primary school fell out of love recently. I think he might be experiencing his saddest moment of his life. As he went through his, I tried to recall mine. I realised I could not really do it.

I have always wanted to watch a show called Chun Guang Za Xie. In the show, there is this belief that if you are able to travel to the edge of the world and relate (shout it out) your saddest moment there, you will be able to forget it. Hence the male lead travelled all the way there but when he reached there, he could only cry. And cry and cry.

I believe , you can never forget your saddest moment nor can you relate it. How can you live through it again. You survive it once but at the back of your mind you know you might not survive it again. And somehow I know my saddest moment structure me. It changes me a little and made me a stronger person. Like my youngest brother said if it does not kill me, it will strengthen me.

How do I say I love you?

Perhaps this is how - not questioning an act that the whole world is against or eager to comment/gossip/critise. Not pointing out that it's a sin (socially/politically or really), not even mentioning it. Not asking 'Are you ok'?, 'How are you'? or'You take care'... - cos he knows she is ok.



My Mum and I went to Malaysia to visit my Uncle over my off days. All I can say is I feel love all around me. My Uncle did not say I Love You to my Mum, he did not even sit down and have long talks with her. No lecture nor soft words. No words, just actions.

How do I say I love you? Perhaps you can do it best without using any words. Perhaps you can start by believing and trusting your loved one.Everyone makes mistakes so do not teach them what or how to do things. Just be there for them. Like my Uncle is there for my Mum.

To be frank, I dread going to Malaysia but I have to. Cos I want to thank my Uncle for being there for my Mum. My Mum's divorce provoke many mixed reactions from many different people. But his reaction touched me. My Mum cried after the phone conversation with him. We asked her what did he say. This is what - 'Come home...' . No questions, no doubts, no comforting or kind words. Just it brought comfort to my Mum... And to me...

Is he or is he not?

We finally got the keys to the old house at thomson. But to me, as long as the house is not sold, there is nothing to be happy about. For a person who can bend the laws of this country for years, I will not be surprise if he continues to amaze me.

And when we reach there (which I dread - I was worried that we will run into him. Towards my Dad, I really have very mixed feelings), I was near to shock. The whole place was so dirty and it was exactly like how we left it to be. I felt almost like I was still living there. Everything is untouched.

The worst thing is I feel, I think he still lives there... Cos I check the fridger. It is well stocked up. If you know my Dad, you will know it is the worst punishment to live in that house.

So I cannot help but to ask - was he waiting? Was he hoping?

And most importantly, is he still living in that house?

Dog Lovers

There was someone who said that dog lovers are just essentially self-centred bastards (he put it in more polite terms). Which I must agree to a certain extend.

I bought a huge poster during my University days from SPCA. It features a gorgerous golden retriver, captions: To you, he is a dog but to him you are everything...

I have a dog. Not brilliant, naughty, totally out of my control. She is really not much of a looker ,especially when one can compare her to my previous dog. I always tell Lucky ( my previous dog) that he is the best dog on Earth. To me, he is. Still is. But despite all Wan Wan's shortcoming, I love her too. Even when she is not the best dog on Earth I love her.

To be frank, I feel gulity towards Wan Wan. Sometimes I feel like writing a hate letter to myself. She is my dog. I say I love her yet she is not totally under my care. I am often away. When I am in Singapore, I am constantly not at home too. When I am at home, she is normally not the centre of my attention too.

But I am always hers. I usually stay awake til wee hours when I am around then sleep til evening. She will usually feel sleepy during these wee hours but she will force herself to laze around me. And during the day, she will watch over me under my bed, patiently waiting for me to wake up.

Therefore can you blame me for loving her? You see her shortcomings , I see her love...

I used to have a Father.

I used to have a father. I think to put it this way is quite correct. Even when he threatened to disguise me, did and said so many unnecessary things, I believe they are words of anger.

But with every letter he sent to the lawyer, he establish that he is a surivor more than a father. Money is more important to him than us, his family. Perhaps he believes we abandon him. We did. The ironic thing is , he was the one who initiate this, encourage this and allow this. Never offend the people you love or whom you depend your happiness upon. Not the prettiest thing to say but believe me, this is the golden iron rule ( I discourage bending it, not even an inch).

One day, should you people get marry, remember love your spouse. They might over the years become different people. Ugly, nosy, petty, etc but they will be the people who go through life with you. Or if you have second just follow what my father did. You will lose them in no time

Best Holiday

I am actually not a fan of travelling, having holidays. To me, relaxing at home is the best way to relax. As I tried to recall my childhood holidays usually end up in quarrels, tears and anger. The best, however was the one in Penang, perhaps that expains why I always wish to revisit her.

When I am old enough to travel, I am always bound by financial constraint. With that restriction, believe me, you are better off staying at home.

I did a LA flight recently. And boy, that was my best holidays! I guess probably cos my brothers were there. They made world of a difference to my trip. I think if I can bring them on every flight, my job will truly be a perfect bliss ( my job is a bliss, not perfect but really a good job). We did Universal Studio the first day (not as fun as I imagine but the company really made a difference). Second day was more relax. We were all tired from the first day and coping with the jet lag. Third day we went to a factory outlet and I got 2 nine west purses! Nine West! Praise the Lord! Never imagine I can have a Nine West purse and now I have 2! Anyway it was really fun and I hope we can do it again soon. And this trip inspire me to try to get a driving license soon. Gage was the only driver. Poor thing...

They are still in La now. Hope they can say it is the best trip they had too. Unless until now...

Unconditional Love

Unconditioned Love. I used to think that is the only way to love a person. To love and love and love him,til he knows, believes and understands that you are the one.

It took years for me to understand, all the love I received from my so-called lovers are earned. Hard-earned.

To be honest, I do not love unconditionally. Not even when I was that navie gal. I wished, secretly that he will love me the same way. Didn't everyone say do what you wish others will do upon you? I often ask what did I do wrong or what did I not do. Now I understand, it is just not meant to be. I have always been in a single person relationship, the only one...

Unconditioned Love? Do not be fooled...

Frugality II

The wretchedness of poverty can be initigated by frugality...

This statement stings deeply when I stumbled upon it. Not cos it belittles my efforts to fight poverty. (Ya actually you can't say that I am poor. I am far from that . Guess it's the poverty of the mind. To me, I am still that small gal who struggles with $50 a month. Nowaday, I struggle with $5000 a month. Sometimes I believe it's not the amount of money you have but how you manage it.) But cos it associates poverty with wretchedness.

Do you think it is? The wretchedness of poverty...

Frugality I

I think , if you are nice, you can say that I am frugal.

I am stingy on almost everything that I can think of. I guess these actions are fueled even more when I read the book - The millionaire next door. I wish and I hope and I pray that my stinginess can provide my family and myself a better future, a future with more cash.

My hopes sometimes hang by a mere string. For I understand the rate whereby I keep my 10 or 20 cents can never be compared to the rate whereby others earn their 10 and 100 of thousands.

But still I keep every cent I can...

Emotions are Not Skilled Workers...

Emotions are not skilled workers...

I realised that, only too late...

I always believe I can try to manage my emotions. But like I always say 'Think, not react.'. There are only so much things you have control over.

Emotions are not skilled workers... Hope you realised that earlier than me.