Direct Your Emotions

What is your position?

2007-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Everyone plays games. Some are victims, others are villians, hence the rest will be judges.

My Mum is always the victim. Be it, towards her husband or children. The worst thing is I am very much like my Mum. Hence I am a victim too. I cannot communicate. I cannot tell others or rather the people who are hurting me they are hurting me. I cannot request them to stop. Cos somehow they can always turn it around and say it's my fault. Talks and requests always only make things worse. Hence I can only endure or risk making it worse. I cannot express fear. Or anger. Actually most of my emotions.

Therefore I always just try to avoid things.

I do not want to be a victim anymore. But sometimes I feel I am trapped.

This is like playing volleyball or perhaps any team sports. If you are a setter, do you think you can be a spiker? Do you know the rules, the techniques, the everything?

But I do not want to be a victim anymore.

And what is your position? Do you want to switch like me?

Maybe it is time

2007-12-16T21:44:00.000-08:00

There will be a time in life whereby you leave your family and start your own. You will know when.

Most people is when they are starting their own family. But for others there are other ques.

Like you step on your Mum's feet every other way you turn. You anger her. You piss her. Or rather she thinks you are trying to corner her, make a fool of her, thinking of millions of ways to step on her.

Tell me, you know that it's time when these happen right? How do you ignore it? I had said and did many things, including smashing a bowl with green bean soup. I knew I should not have. I even tell myself, warn myself about the mess. But I did. The thing I hate most is when my Mum says I look down on her, belittle her, did not love her. But that is what she is saying everyday. Today as I was waking up, I overheard her conversation with my brother. She told him. I am trying to step on her with every possible chance.

Perhaps I did. Perhaps I should not have said things. Perhaps I should speak to her like my passengers. Perhaps I should applie my customer skills at home.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... But one thing is certain. Should I move away and visit her weekly. Things will be easier. I will be able to service talk her.

It's time...

Divorce

2007-12-16T21:25:00.000-08:00

Divorce, I believe, can be a reasonable thing to do. When you realise you no longer love your other half perhaps the better thing to do is to go your separate ways. And be adult about it.

But my parents's divorce is pretty ugly. They try to involve everyone possible. Everyone has to take side, make your stand. If you are not for me, then you are against.

They almost fought yesterday. And I did the darnest thing. I just screamed and screamed. I do not want to see they wrestle each other. Leave me some good memories. I do have some, you know.

My Mum keep saying that I was pushing her. I merely wanted to keep her away from him. I merely wanted to leave.

I was afraid. I was afraid that they will fight. And I have to take sides. But it's the same. My Mum will remember me pushing her. My Dad will recall me protect my Mum. Either ways, I took the wrong side.

Believe me, I wish that they both live a better life after the divorce.

Saddest moment

2007-12-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

My brother's good friend from primary school fell out of love recently. I think he might be experiencing his saddest moment of his life. As he went through his, I tried to recall mine. I realised I could not really do it.

I have always wanted to watch a show called Chun Guang Za Xie. In the show, there is this belief that if you are able to travel to the edge of the world and relate (shout it out) your saddest moment there, you will be able to forget it. Hence the male lead travelled all the way there but when he reached there, he could only cry. And cry and cry.

I believe , you can never forget your saddest moment nor can you relate it. How can you live through it again. You survive it once but at the back of your mind you know you might not survive it again. And somehow I know my saddest moment structure me. It changes me a little and made me a stronger person. Like my youngest brother said if it does not kill me, it will strengthen me.

How do I say I love you?

2007-12-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this is how - not questioning an act that the whole world is against or eager to comment/gossip/critise. Not pointing out that it's a sin (socially/politically or really), not even mentioning it. Not asking 'Are you ok'?, 'How are you'? or'You take care'... - cos he knows she is ok.

My Mum and I went to Malaysia to visit my Uncle over my off days. All I can say is I feel love all around me. My Uncle did not say I Love You to my Mum, he did not even sit down and have long talks with her. No lecture nor soft words. No words, just actions.

How do I say I love you? Perhaps you can do it best without using any words. Perhaps you can start by believing and trusting your loved one.Everyone makes mistakes so do not teach them what or how to do things. Just be there for them. Like my Uncle is there for my Mum.

To be frank, I dread going to Malaysia but I have to. Cos I want to thank my Uncle for being there for my Mum. My Mum's divorce provoke many mixed reactions from many different people. But his reaction touched me. My Mum cried after the phone conversation with him. We asked her what did he say. This is what - 'Come home...' . No questions, no doubts, no comforting or kind words. Just it brought comfort to my Mum... And to me...

Is he or is he not?

2007-11-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

We finally got the keys to the old house at thomson. But to me, as long as the house is not sold, there is nothing to be happy about. For a person who can bend the laws of this country for years, I will not be surprise if he continues to amaze me.

And when we reach there (which I dread - I was worried that we will run into him. Towards my Dad, I really have very mixed feelings), I was near to shock. The whole place was so dirty and it was exactly like how we left it to be. I felt almost like I was still living there. Everything is untouched.

The worst thing is I feel, I think he still lives there... Cos I check the fridger. It is well stocked up. If you know my Dad, you will know it is the worst punishment to live in that house.

So I cannot help but to ask - was he waiting? Was he hoping?

And most importantly, is he still living in that house?

Dog Lovers

2007-10-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

There was someone who said that dog lovers are just essentially self-centred bastards (he put it in more polite terms). Which I must agree to a certain extend.

I bought a huge poster during my University days from SPCA. It features a gorgerous golden retriver, captions: To you, he is a dog but to him you are everything...

I have a dog. Not brilliant, naughty, totally out of my control. She is really not much of a looker ,especially when one can compare her to my previous dog. I always tell Lucky ( my previous dog) that he is the best dog on Earth. To me, he is. Still is. But despite all Wan Wan's shortcoming, I love her too. Even when she is not the best dog on Earth I love her.

To be frank, I feel gulity towards Wan Wan. Sometimes I feel like writing a hate letter to myself. She is my dog. I say I love her yet she is not totally under my care. I am often away. When I am in Singapore, I am constantly not at home too. When I am at home, she is normally not the centre of my attention too.

But I am always hers. I usually stay awake til wee hours when I am around then sleep til evening. She will usually feel sleepy during these wee hours but she will force herself to laze around me. And during the day, she will watch over me under my bed, patiently waiting for me to wake up.

Therefore can you blame me for loving her? You see her shortcomings , I see her love...

I used to have a Father.

2007-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

I used to have a father. I think to put it this way is quite correct. Even when he threatened to disguise me, did and said so many unnecessary things, I believe they are words of anger.

But with every letter he sent to the lawyer, he establish that he is a surivor more than a father. Money is more important to him than us, his family. Perhaps he believes we abandon him. We did. The ironic thing is , he was the one who initiate this, encourage this and allow this. Never offend the people you love or whom you depend your happiness upon. Not the prettiest thing to say but believe me, this is the golden iron rule ( I discourage bending it, not even an inch).

One day, should you people get marry, remember love your spouse. They might over the years become different people. Ugly, nosy, petty, etc but they will be the people who go through life with you. Or if you have second just follow what my father did. You will lose them in no time

Best Holiday

2007-10-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am actually not a fan of travelling, having holidays. To me, relaxing at home is the best way to relax. As I tried to recall my childhood holidays usually end up in quarrels, tears and anger. The best, however was the one in Penang, perhaps that expains why I always wish to revisit her.

When I am old enough to travel, I am always bound by financial constraint. With that restriction, believe me, you are better off staying at home.

I did a LA flight recently. And boy, that was my best holidays! I guess probably cos my brothers were there. They made world of a difference to my trip. I think if I can bring them on every flight, my job will truly be a perfect bliss ( my job is a bliss, not perfect but really a good job). We did Universal Studio the first day (not as fun as I imagine but the company really made a difference). Second day was more relax. We were all tired from the first day and coping with the jet lag. Third day we went to a factory outlet and I got 2 nine west purses! Nine West! Praise the Lord! Never imagine I can have a Nine West purse and now I have 2! Anyway it was really fun and I hope we can do it again soon. And this trip inspire me to try to get a driving license soon. Gage was the only driver. Poor thing...

They are still in La now. Hope they can say it is the best trip they had too. Unless until now...

Unconditional Love

2007-09-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

Unconditioned Love. I used to think that is the only way to love a person. To love and love and love him,til he knows, believes and understands that you are the one.

It took years for me to understand, all the love I received from my so-called lovers are earned. Hard-earned.

To be honest, I do not love unconditionally. Not even when I was that navie gal. I wished, secretly that he will love me the same way. Didn't everyone say do what you wish others will do upon you? I often ask what did I do wrong or what did I not do. Now I understand, it is just not meant to be. I have always been in a single person relationship, the only one...

Unconditioned Love? Do not be fooled...

Frugality II

2007-09-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

The wretchedness of poverty can be initigated by frugality...

This statement stings deeply when I stumbled upon it. Not cos it belittles my efforts to fight poverty. (Ya actually you can't say that I am poor. I am far from that . Guess it's the poverty of the mind. To me, I am still that small gal who struggles with $50 a month. Nowaday, I struggle with $5000 a month. Sometimes I believe it's not the amount of money you have but how you manage it.) But cos it associates poverty with wretchedness.

Do you think it is? The wretchedness of poverty...

Frugality I

2007-09-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

I think , if you are nice, you can say that I am frugal.

I am stingy on almost everything that I can think of. I guess these actions are fueled even more when I read the book - The millionaire next door. I wish and I hope and I pray that my stinginess can provide my family and myself a better future, a future with more cash.

My hopes sometimes hang by a mere string. For I understand the rate whereby I keep my 10 or 20 cents can never be compared to the rate whereby others earn their 10 and 100 of thousands.

But still I keep every cent I can...

Emotions are Not Skilled Workers...

2007-09-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Emotions are not skilled workers...

I realised that, only too late...

I always believe I can try to manage my emotions. But like I always say 'Think, not react.'. There are only so much things you have control over.

Emotions are not skilled workers... Hope you realised that earlier than me.

Do you believe in Destiny?

2007-09-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in Destiny?

Do you believe that God has a plan for you?

I believe in Destiny, Fate and God's plans but I also believe I hold my destiny and fate and God has great plans for me.

Every life deserves a fight, requires a struggle. This might sound silly but a person with a blessed life mostly will not enjoy life compared to another who fight for it.

When we were younger, we had tests,exams and now that we are older, they are there too. We will not be graded but we still suffer the consequences. Therefore I hope that we try to do well in all the tests and exams, failing them means failing ourselves...

So sit up and prepare for your fights and struggles!

Burnt Toast

2007-09-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

...It's like the smell of burnt toast.You made the toast. You looked forward to it. You even enjoyed making it , but it burned. What were you doing? Was it your fault? It doesn't matter anymore. You open the window but only the very top layer of the smell goes away. The rest remains around you. It's on the walls. Yo leave the room but it's on your clothes. You change your clothes but it's in your hair. it's on the thin skin on the tops of your hands. And in the morning, it's still there. ... (from the book seven types of Ambiguity)

I have burnt toast before as in the action of making it and of course eating them. Some people will throw away burnt toast. But I am the type who attempt to eat it, as much as possible. At times, I swallow them with lots of water. I always feel guilty toward the toast. Eating it eases the guilt.

You can call me lame. Why feel guilty toward a slice of bread? It's just a slice of bread, a non-living thing. But I feel guilty. I do ask 'What was I doing?' and I do think it's my fault. Sometimes I will get upset (with myself), sometimes I will think I should have eat it as it's. Hence I forced myself to eat it. To me that's the consequence.

So do you eat your burnt toast?

I suggest you don't...

Dreams

2007-09-15T02:04:00.000-07:00

Dreams. I have dreams. Many dreams. I hope you have them too. Coz I read somewhere that Happiness is not just the absence of despair but also a presence of hope.

I like to think that dreams are hope, a presence of hope. To me, dreams are things that we wish to fulfil or accomplish someday or/and somehow and also things we look forward to.

Then again, nothing might happen even when you have dreams. For dreams shall always be sandcastles in the air unless you do something about them.

Nevertheless, life without dreams, without anything to look forward to must be dreadful. Hence, let's us dream on...

Happiness Is A Verb

2007-09-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Happiness is the ultimate risk - so said the main character in the book I am reading.

Happiness is the one thing that I believe everyone is working towards. The rich, the poor, the beautiful, the ugly...

To many, Happiness comes in the form of a knight in shining armour. To others, it's having lots of money. But everyone wishes that Happiness will befall upon them. The knight will come riding on a white horse changing their fate overnight or a winning lottery ticket.

I have those dreams too. The knights merely brought tears, sorrow and pain. Lottery tickets are forgotten dreams or a plain watse of money.

Now I realise Happiness is a Verb. We are what we do. Not what we wish ourselves to be. Not what we say we are.

Brittle Enchantments

2006-07-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

Brittle enchantments... I think that is what we all see love as. We are always enchanted but sooner or later they will fall apart...

Love, the brittle enchantments in our life. The question is will you choose to have these little sparks in your life or totally forgo these mirage. What will you choose?

If You Could See Her

2006-07-22T12:13:00.001-07:00

I think this is a lovely piece -- romantic and sweet. And I think it's true.

In the play, you will see the 'host' (I guess being the host of the Caberat, he must have seen it all. Hence his parnter must be beautiful.) with his parnter who is an orang utan... And he merely sings -- if you could see her th' my eyes...

I always tell my friends -- we never marry the 'best man' but the bridegroom whom I am sure will be the most suitable one for us, whom if seen th' your eyes no one will question.

If you have watched Brigdet Jones 's diary, you will always remember those words -- I love you, just the way you are...

But there are times whereby I wonder izzit really like this. And I have people telling me, you will never marry the one you love most. Then why marry? Is this another price you pay for loneliness?

I have just turned 30. Another year older so hopefully another year wiser. But at this junction, I ask will I get married? Will I marry for love, for loneliness, for 'advancement'? Should I wake my idea up and understand that love does exist but don't co-exist with marriage? Will the man who marry me, tell others 'If you could see her th' my eyes...' or will he asks me 'If you love me, please be the person I will love'? Will he loves me as who I am or will he wants me to be that person whom he will love?

Many years ago when love used to be magic and perhaps even sarced, I told myself if I don't get married at the age of 30, let me remain single. Now I asked myself will that stand? Frankly I don't know... But I know I will never be a mother...

The one thing you learnt about growing up is the truth hurts... Yes, I will not be a mother. Though I dreamt of my little ones every now and then...

The Bitch and the Angel

2006-07-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

I watched the Cabaret (22 July'06, Sat 8 pm - 11pm) with my 2 beloved brothers at the esplanade today. And it's a wonderful feeling! Esp when Gage was there waiting for us ( I caused YiLong and myself to be late) risking to be refused entry to the play. (To be honest, I was quite fed up when he insisted to guide us th' the handphone -- I can't tell him my location nor do I understand his directions. And I am where I am even if I want to hurry or he wished us to hurry... But if you know Gage. If you know him well enough. He will scold you, he will lecture you. Might yell at you or say the most hurting thing. But he will be there to run you th' the whole thing. To dash up 4 floors in that 1 last min before the threatre doors closed shut... Ya he is the bitch. Who will go th' Hell with you ... That is why I am always the angel. I will never scold or shout. I have only good and beautiful words. Hence when you are going th' Hell, I wish you all the luck and yes I will watch you from above and pray for you... )

So who will you pick the bitch or the angel?

The price for Boredom

2006-07-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

How much will you pay for boredom... for loneliness...

Very often I ask myself that? What price am I going to pay for boredom? For loneliness?

Andrew paid about S$45 per day for internet connection in Cairo. And I paid none... I slept, ate, swim, go gym and slept, ate, swim and go gym and read wnatever I can, watch whatever I can. And ya it was a 3+ days of bordem and ya it's really really crap. But I refused to pay for Boredom.

But I had paid for loneliness. Th' my nose if I can say.

Are you paying for your loneliness?

If you are asking what is loneliness. Then may I say it's nothing. Really nothing. Just a void, a vaccum, an emptiness that sucks you into nothing... That I think is loneliness. Do you think so?

Fresh Flowers

2006-07-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful birthday. God showed me that I am being cared for, that He is there. I am not alone...

And I received lots of flowers this year!

But as I stared at those fresh flowers. Flawless. Beautiful. Sweet smelling. I know they are not going to stay like that forever...

No matter how beautiful it was, it's going to wither. So the question to ask is 'Izzit enough to have that moment of beauty?'

Izzit enough for you?

The Ideal Temperature

2006-07-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

My work deals alot with coffee and tea. And cos of that I find myself constantly making new pots of coffee and tea. For my friends, they are never in the correct temperature.

And today when I went down to EY to help, a pax asked for a cup of tea when his cup is 3/4 full. But he quickly explained himself -- tea is like love, you can never keep them hot forever...

Hence may I asked are you constantly making new pots? Changing new pots? Or just drinking cold tea?

The choice is yours. Some people like cold tea, others prefer hot ones...

Will you tell me I am worth 8 cows

2006-05-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

I believe I am a one cow gal. But deep down I wish for that man who tells me not you are not, you are really worth 8 cows... And as I aged and the hope of meeting that man diminishes with time, I hope for others to tell me you are worth 8 cows. Hence I am a very hardworking crew. A rather thrifty person. I am humble. Polite. Try to be understanding, sometimes attempt to be cool too. But very frankly I do many many things I hope to be a good and nice person in everyone's eyes. Some things I do with alot of resentment cos I need to be nice... But I do that. And yes I constantly get disappointed cos the effort is really not worth the results... Sigh...

And I constantly asked myself how can I be happy... How? Guess I got the answer when I touch down from NY. I helped her gal carried her cargo bag onto the cab but instead of praising she just went ' Uncle you no gentleman, you let her carry!' She didn't help me (thank me though) but she get help from a man just by one sentence...

At that split second it dawn to me that I was wrong. Happiness will not come if I keep hoping that I am worthy... It only comes when I know I am.

How many cows are you worth?

2006-05-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

I jus come across this excellent story. Got me thinking...

This is how the story goes. There is this village whereby when a man marries a woman, the man will have to give cows to the bride's father as dowry. But the question will always be how many cows? Let's jus say if your daughter is pretty and capable, then perhaps 3 cows. However if otherwise maybe 2 or just 1. And it's a norm for the groom and the future father-in-law to 'bargain' for the former wants a better deal but the latter to get the money back. Boy am I glad that I live in Singapore! And it so happens that in this story there is this 20 years old, plain looking, clumsy, a little silly gal (20 years old is considered as a old maid there. Praise the Lord again that I am here!). Or so cos that was what her father always tell her. And the day came whereby her husband had to ask for her hand and unfortunately he happened to be a very shewrd businessman. Hence before his arrival, her father constantly tell her I think I might jus get a tail for you...

But to everyone's surprise he offered 8 cows. Then they were married and went on for a month's honeymoon. And wa la after a month, the gal returned to be a changed person. Totally beautiful and gorgeous, everything that was contrastary to what her father said. Her change was so great that when her father visited, he told her husband -- You have cheated me! She is worth 10 cows.

But why the change? I guess cos she was promoted from a tail to 8 cows...

So how many cows are you worth?

Why Unplugged?

2006-04-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

Nowadays I always write my blogs with Damien's songs. Now I am listening to Lonelily and I asked myself why unplugged?

Have you ever been lonely? Have you ever been so alone that the only sound you hear is your heartbeat? And those heartbeats are deafening... Mine was.

So I guess Lonelily is best played unplugged ...

Lonelily ... you only hear your heartbeats... you know your complaints, your fears, your worries are heard only by you cos no one else cares, bothers ... Hence you play your worries, fears,complaints over and over again. Secretly praying that someone might hear it too. And also your heartbeats. Hoping that if the former fails at least your heartbeats might stop due to overplaying... Those are things you do Lonelily...

A Father of 2 and a Husband of 1

2006-04-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

I met ChongYan today. We chat from 2pm all the way til 10.30pm. And I think we can go on but his wife and 2 children are waiting so another day I guess.

We started with he still 'factfinding' me. I mean we first walk into TCC. Why would 1 beng and 1 lian go to TCC? But we both warm up quite fat and fled TCC and went for Kopi and teh si. That's more like it,right?

He is still the same (to me) but I felt that touch of a tender husband and gentle father here and there.

Ya I confirm ChongYan is a father of 2 and a husband of 1. :)

LONELILY

2006-04-02T13:15:00.001-07:00

Lonelily

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelily landed my walls (??) in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
And you let me down
Could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down
It's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
You're coming home (x 4)
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forget
You're coming
And I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
And you haven't called yet
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
I'm just trying to forget
You're coming
I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
But you haven't called
You're coming home
You're coming home (x4)
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

I like this song cos it's very 'real' and it illustrates many people's sensation nowadays.

People nowadays are lonely. Why? I don't really know.

We are lonely when we are single. But we are lonely too when we are attached. We are not always lonely but constantly.

And when loneliness strike, he hit you hard. Leaving you senseless, driving you to overcome it with all possible means. Hence I guess we have the song Lonelily...

Do you still love him? Maybe. Can you forgive him? Maybe. You have a thousand questions and a thousand unknown but one thing is sure -- neither of you want to be lonely...

Amie

2006-04-02T13:10:00.001-07:00

amie

nothing unusual nothing strange
close to nothing at all
the same old scenario the same old rain
and there's no explosions here
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
i saw a spaceship fly by your window
did you see it disappear?
amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
nothing unusual nothing's changed
just a little older that's all
you know when you've found it there's something i've learned
'cause you feel it when they take it away
hey hey
then something unusual something strange
comes from nothing at all
but i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
just another soldier on a road to nowhere
amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of o
tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me

My bro was the one who introduce me to this album O. I think this is his favourite and I ask why. Until last night... I realise this is 'his style of sadness'. I think he believes when you have to live in a world of false hopes, that will be sadness..

And this is a song that spells out the need for false hope. He believes that he is no miracle and she is no saint but he calls out to her constantly to repeat that story, to allow him to believe , even if it's in that one second, that there will be a change for him and her. Notice the details of the lyrics -- it didn't say hope nor happiness or anything positive, just change. He didn't even dare to hope for anything good, just a chance...

Ya, this indeed is a good song.

2006-04-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

older chestsolder chests reveal themselveslike a crack in a wall
starting small and grow in time
we all seem to need the helpof someone else to mend that shelfof too many books
read me your favourite line
papa went to other lands
and found someone who understands
the ticking and the western man's need to cry
he came back the other day you knowsome things in life may change
and some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time
older gents sit on the fencewith their cap in hand
lookin’ grand
they watch their city change
children scream or so it seems
louder than before
out of doors and into stores with bigger names
mama tried to wash their faces
but these kids they lost their graces
when daddy lost at the races too many times
she broke down the other day you know
some things in life may change
but some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time

Volcanoes

2006-04-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

Volcanoes

don't hold yourself like that
you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth & back
that's all i need
don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountainsand i’ll ask for the sea
don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back
is that all you need?
don't drag my love around
volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountainsand i’ll ask for the sea
what i give to you is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new
no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease
she’s still too you to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she’s still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me

This song reminds me of a friend...

This song teaches us -- Don't love with too much passion... Love shouldn't be like matches -- that create an instanteous spark and that is about all. Love should really be like gambling -- never show-hand ( you might lose it all and worst you can not increase your stake. If he is the one you will want to love him more and more right? But you can't for you show- hand! Remember?!), always know when to leave the table and increase your stakes when your cards are in your favour ( if he proves worth it, be nicer to him. Love is really just bater trade. Ya, it's time to wake up!)

Delicate

2006-04-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Delicate

we might kiss when we are alone
when nobody’s watchin’
we might take it home
we might make out when nobody's there
it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate
so why d’ya fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujah if it means nothin’ to ya
why d’ya sing with me at all?
we might live like never before when there's nothin’ to give how can we ask for more?
we might make love in some sacred place
that look on your face is delicate
so
why d’ya fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujah if it means nothin’ to ya
why d’ya sing with me at all?

First I applause the name of the song -- Delicate. I feel for this song but only after reading the lyrics. I think this song is about LOVE. Therefore there are kisses, making out, make love, all these 'byproducts' of love. However it's not merely a Love song. It's perhaps a cry for help from one lover to another. Telling the person, asking the person.

You know when you love a person, you give him the POWER to HURT YoU! And even after that abuse, you will still find him delicate. So delicate that you will have to hold him upon your palms (with lots of fear. For he might slip and you will lose him forever. Or worse you will hurt the person you love most... And hence you continue to merely held him upon your palms - for he is delicate...)

So please listen to your lover... And his/her pleas for help...

Courtship

2006-04-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

I am a very homely person. I am really a very tpyical cancerian. Homely, motherly,moody. That is me.

And cos I am homely, I seldom 'travel' in Singapore. It will just be home for me or maybe just dinners with my boyfriend and that's it. When I used to live in Bishan, I used to only go to Bishan, AMK and occasionally Toa Payoh. And now I merely go to the NTUC nearby and toa Payoh, occasionally Orchard/Bugis cos I need to go to gym.

So I know very little of Singapore. I was asked by a Pax on my last flight where to eat in Singapore. I skillfully mention a few places but after that tired flight and that meal on Sat, I sat myself up and ask myself which of these places have I been? (not passing by but really there to have a meal)

I have been to Boat Quay's Hot stones for dinner, been to Taka's Sushi Tei, Unity Square's Sushi , Wheelock's place's Sushi and big O, Pan Pacific's Hai Tien Loi and Peach Garden, a few Fish and Co outlet, Hard Rock,Great World City's 3d movies...

And as I recall these places, I recall all the persons I was with then, the feelings, the conversations... And I realise I was never really in a formal courtship except maybe with Shih Ming...

And that is sad cos Courtship is perhaps the sweetest part of a relationship...

$700++ Dinner

2006-04-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

I had the most expensive dinner of my whole entire life on Sun. The place is nice, food is good. I didn't fancy the service. Not that it's not good I just didn't fancy it. And i didn't enjoy the dinner...

The dinner made me loathe growing up... And I tot I lost my favourite Uncle over that dinner.

I am 30 this year. Don't feel it. Perhaps cos I never 'grow up'. In one way or another. But I did in some ways too...

In the adult world, everyone does a certain dance in a certain environment. You can choose to join in or take a bow. Both ways, you need to abide to the rules and regulations. Both ways, you might 'win' or 'lose'.

And we all dance over that dinner except for YiLong and the 2 gals. We all turn and swirl. Bow and take our curfews. I speak and laugh. Sing praises and take meaningful nods. But really I was playing along so that my Mum will be happy. But I was pleased that Gage spoke like an adult that day and also as himself. I am proud of him. Yilong spoke little but he is himself . Always. And he is my pride too. Was a little disappointed with my boyfriend's 'timely hongbao session'. Was really pleased with Ah Su. Sometimes I wonder if he loves my Mum more than me. Sometimes I think so. He loves her enough to lavish on her. With only pleasure... He loves her enough to entertain her loved ones. He loves her enough to know when to say a soft word. He loves her enough to know when to allow her to win an argument. Might be small things but can I do it?

I had a $700++ dinner but it was merely a meal...

Songs

2006-04-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

After listening to 'Blower's daughter' I wanted to write something about this singer. Cos this song touch me and I have not been touch for a while.

And after the album O I wanted to. Even more. I copy down the lyrics of each song and ask myself why did he write this song? What did he experience? How did he feel? Was he sad? Happy? Did he want to share his pain? Or did he just have a story to share?

I know of very few songs/singers. I seldom explore the vast and rich forms of music out there. Cos I think for those good singers and songs that I know I already got too little time. I am happy enjoying those small portion of good songs/singers.

I know...

2006-03-29T22:33:00.000-08:00

We have differences... We are different...

But God knows we are trying. I don't know if you know... But I know you are trying. Very hard... You might be drowning. You might be struggling. But you are hanging on.... I know.

My Gal gal

2006-03-29T11:46:00.000-08:00

I am sending my dog away... AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY... My dog is not an excellent dog. In fact it's very naughty but she adores me. She loves me. She follows me around. She is my dog...

She accompany th' all the nights and all the days that I am at home. She sleeps with me. When I open my eyes in the morning I see her beautiful eyes staring back at me... She waits on me. Even when I shower she waits patiently for me at the door. She dashes for me when I come home. She made my house more of a home to me...

But I am sending her away... Don't hate me, Wan wan...

This night

2006-03-29T11:35:00.000-08:00

This night. This warm and humid night, I recall all the guys who liked me and all whom I liked. I recall all the relationships I had. I recall all the break ups.

And I wonder if they remember me. I wonder if they had ever missed me? I wonder if they had ever regret their actions? I wonder if they ever wish for a 2nd chance? I wonder if any one of them had tried to look for me?

And I wonder if they had ever on a warm and humid night wonder about all the wonders that I had.

I had miss some of them, thought of them sometimes but always (after letting go) wish the best for them. May God be with them...

ChongYan

2006-03-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of ChongYan last night!

How are you, ChongYan? I miss you! Miss your wife. Your daughter. She is 3 or 4 this year? How many children do you have now?

I hope you are happy now, living a blissful life...

Missing tooth

2006-03-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a missing tooth?

Have you ever lost a piece of yourself? Have you ever felt that broken part of you?

I think losing a piece of yourself, feeling that broken part of you is like having a missing tooth. Losing something that you once had but always taking granted for. You can ever use your tongue to feel that gap in your gum. That evidence that it once existed...

And you can lose it one time cos they will have a 2nd chance. God always give you a 2nd chance. But you must treasure it for the 2nd time cos there will no longer be any replacement...

So for God's sake treasure everything in your life, or else you will have a missing tooth in your life...

The Unfair Talk

2006-03-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

It had been a few days after that talk. I realised I have been unfair.

I know you must be under a lot of pressure these days. I know you must think that I am just picking on you, always ready with a fight.

The truth is I am sincere about us being together. I have been more difficult these days cos you see, this is who I am. Take me for who I am. And I am a very different person from you. I am chinese speaking. I speak very bad English. I am very long winded. I love to tell long stories and repeat them. And I am constantly defensive cos I wish that the people I love see me in a better light. But now I realised I am just forcing my way th'. Yes I speak very bad English. Yes I am long winded. Yes I keep repeating myself. Yes I am very lazy. Yes I am very messy. Yes I have no motivation. Yes yes I am not very much a person deserving love... But love me when I least deserve it... If you love me you will... If you can love and show compassion to an unknown person/student. If you can walk a person to the bus stop cos it's late and the alleys are dark, walk me... If you can spend time and effort on another person, you can do the same for me... But there is only 24 hrs...

You talk about having that Taipei trip together but 'not too much night markets'. I love night markets! You love computers but whenever you wonder into such a shop I wonder out. And I know you have been giving up training sessions for me.How long can we keep each other off the things we like?

I know nowadays you speak to me cautiously. Always afraid to say the wrong things. Actually I do that too. And sometimes I wonder when will we grow tired of these 'cautious talks'. Will you recall our phone conversations? Aren't they always the same? Wonder why?

And when you talk about Dawn... Your face lights up. You smile and you laugh... Can I do that? Bring smile to your face and laughter to your heart? I am Dawn Sim not Dawn Chin. Her surname is Chin right? Do not be blinded by your eyes. She might not be an angel to your eyes but perhaps to your heart...

I asked you how can we attained more common grounds. You said maybe I can be a teacher. Then why don't you be a steward. You like to travel too right? Then our every trip will be like a honeymoon... I know I am being unfair but you are too when you suggest that I should be a teacher... Why? Why? Why do we have so little to say, to talk, to wonder, to share? Where are all the common grounds?

I was upset on Sun cos you said you will pick me up at the airport. Which you did. But you brought your Mother too. If you cannot tell your Mum you need 'alone time' with your galfriend who will? Me?

I told you that I want to go for the dance class yesterday but you forgot. I tot I have never been to it so maybe I should go next week. Have you tot why? Do you really think it's to talk about Wan2? I can do that on the phone. I want to spend more time with you. But you went running alone. I figure out you needed time alone to think about how to handle Wan2's case. You didn't realise I was upset right? Cos I simmer down?But when I lie upon your lap why didn't you stroke my hair? Touch my face? Is that not allowed too? Sometimes I recalled WeiLi telling me 'whenever I see her, I want to touch her eyes... her nose... her mouth... her face...'. I laughed at him then but now I laugh at myself...

Are we in love? ...

Baby Cherie

2006-03-18T10:47:00.000-08:00

My Friend, Lilian has given birth! To baby Cherie. Lovely baby. 4.07kg and 58cm -- big baby, way to go Lilian. Must be hard esp for a 1st child. I hope she is taking plenty rest. And I really wish to hold Baby Cherie soon.

Went to shop for some children clothes for her. Nearly went crazy. So many patterns, so many colours, so many choices but so little cash... Sigh, life is such. Guess this will be a joy of a mother too --shopping for the child, dressing her up.

Looking forward to meeting her. Holding her tiny feet, hands, body... Seeing Lilian's motherhood. :>

The Talk

2006-03-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

We had a talk today. But by the end of it, I realised it's The Talk... Mel I have discovered the source and the root of all 'problems', all difficulties.

Maybe not all will agree with me, I have a hard life. I have. I struggle every month. I slog th' the days. The money in my bank are exchanged from the sweat upon my brows, the smiles even when I really want to say 'Fuck you'. I threw all the 'Fuck you' from my mind and train myself to fuck care. What to do when when life is a little fuck up?

So I think it's not too much to ask for a man who loves me, values me, adores me, appreciate me, pamper me. Actually all woman who respect themselves should find one. Like what Jason said 'It is not wrong for a woman to ask for a 'better life' and hence a better man...

I have this pain, this anger... which I can't put in words. But if you don't love me or rather don't love me enough, please don't hold my hand. Yes, I cant take it any longer. It's driving me crazy. You occupied the whole of my mind but I am just at the back of yours. I am holding on to you cos I am afraid of your tears. Mel for all that I do, I can never bear to see you cry. And it pains me to think of you being bully by Angeline.I hold you upon my palms but she just break your heart. I am afraid others will hurt you. So I am holding on to you. But you are hurting me... Breaking my heart to a million pieces when you say 'You just can't love me the way I do'. Why?

Munich

2006-03-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

Watched Munich with YL tonight. We both agreed that it's a good show.

I am never really a historical or political person. I don't work well with facts. But Munich striked me cos I think it's a rather emotional show. Actually politicans play and toy with emotions. We can come up with the best plan, strategy but if someone mess with our emotions, we are goners. Be it the greatest politican or an ordinary person, we are just creatures with feelings. We all have a soft spot. Press on the right spot, we will be brought down to our knees.

Why are there terrorists? Izzit cos of the long-stuffered grieve? The unfair treatment? Skin colour? Race? Religion? I do not pity terrorists but I empathise with them. How will you react if you are brought up believeing that a certain group of people are evil and peace will return and things will take a turn for your people if you 'fight'. Many terroists know their fate. Death. But they have no fears for they are brought up to believe those are acts of a hero and their death will make a difference. Like one of the character in the Show 'Ali' said I will die but mt children will have children and my children will have children and we shall fight until we have a home.

Another thing I learnt from the show is never send a group of amateurs to do a professional work. In Munich a group of 5 'ordinary' people were chosen to kill 12 key figures involving the terrorist acts in 'Munich'. Everything they do is a give away that they are amateurs. They panicked, fumbled, fear the death of innocent people, were emotional, have fears, have doubts/struggles and felt gulity.

I was once told everyone strikes to be good. We do a wrong thing mostly cos of the situations or circumstances. This is very evident in Munich. All 5 set off ever ready to kill but soon doubts seep in. Cos they question am I doing the right thing. They want to be right, do the right things. But the question is what is the right?

I dreamt of Lucky

2006-03-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of Lucky last night. And I cried when I wake up.

Tears well in my eyes whenever I recall Lucky...

Lucky is my beloved late dog. And I believe he is the best dog on earth. One and only...

But it's only until today that I realised why am I always sad when I recall LUcky. It's not cos Lucky is dead or has pass away or whatever. But cos I didn't give him that extra hug when I had the chance. That one or many short of whispers that I love him. That few missing strokes that would comfort him (Lucky towards his late years turn partially blind, then completely blind and a little deafness . His only connection to this world was th' us. Our touches, our whispers, our hugs.) I didn't cuddle him to bed when he was very sick. I knew he was. I even knew that he might not make it that time -- I told him 'Lucky, wait for Jiejie to come back'. Left for Mel on 25 and arrived in Sin on 27 Dec and I have lost him. But I know he tried to wait for his Jie jie. My Dad related to me on how Lucky struggled to get up (he couldn't walk during that time. He was too sick.), took a few steps (he was trying to look for his Jiejie), grasp for his last breathe and he went to Heaven... Even at the verge of his death, his main concern was us...

I am crying as I type these cos I didn't treasure Lucky, the best dog on Earth. I didn't hug him enough, love him enough, stroke him enough, cuddle him enough, play with him enough, accompany enough... I am crying cos it's too late...

So for Lucky's sake, give that person or whatever a hug today. Or whisper into his ears that you love him. Or jus sit with him by the door in silence, enjoying each other's company. For when it's too late the good memories burn and all you can do is cry...

I am the Victim

2006-03-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

We all like to be viewed as the victims. I used to love to do that. Which is why I was forever sad and helpless. Best description for me.

Now I fully understand what Gage says 'Be a Bitch! Take charge of your life!'. Cos if you don't take charge of your life who will?

So stop being the victim and tell all the bullies in your life to 'F*** Off! And hear me roar'.

Just the same, if you don't love yourself who will?

You are all that I have got

2006-03-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

The first time when my man told me that I melted. I forgave him for all his wrongs and a was willing to be the lifevest of a sinking man, not knowing that those were just words. The second time, I was doubtful but I gave in for I was blinded by emotions. I believed again...

Now at 30 I realised I won't be anyone's 'only thing'. Actually I might be the first few 'things' to be let go. I have never get the hang of the love game, it has always been more of a crying game to me. I am like Gage -- all the harsh words but no actions. And I forgive the person I love. Always. And they always take that as the best weapon to hurt me again and again. Whenever I encounter that I will remember the song 'Please forgive me' -- please forgive me for loving you so much.

So if your man does the same thing ask yourself 'are you giving him another chance to hurt you cos you love him'

?

That Place

2006-02-28T11:19:00.000-08:00

I went to MOS last week. And thereafter I had supper before coming home.

That place. The place where we had supper reminded me of someone. Someone who sent me home after supper after partying at Zouk. Ya I guess a million guys have did that. Sending me home. But it was only I agreed to our first date that I realised he stayed just beside the supper place.

I was really a brat then. Cos he allowed the worst in me. Yes he loved me. Guess out of the million guys, he loved me the most. But he loved me cos I broke his heart. Once, twice, thrice and again and again... Until I got a boyfriend and that broke his heart into a million pieces...

That place. I remembered on our first date we walked past that supper place and I told him this place looked very similar. He laughed and said ya cos it's our supper place. And on that date he gave me 333 stars that he folded overnight when I agreed to our date the day before. I asked him why 333. He said I only managed to fold that number and it's time to work.

I know he was very very angry with me. But every year, on my birthday he will send me a happy birthday sms. Cos I told him birthdays are the most impotant. For without that day I won't meet you nor will you meet me... I think he still remember that...

That place. Always remind me of him. And I guess does it reminds him of me?

So Many Broken Hearts

2006-02-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with my ex team gal and she told me she has lost hope in her boyfriend.

I went rock climbing with this galfriend who woke me up asking me 'Have I lost him (her boyfriend)' ?

I did a flight today and my team boy told me 'I have lost her'.

Losing, lost and wondering ... All the broken hearts.

I was once told LOVE is satan's game to mankind. And I recalled all the broken hearts -- my broken hearts, his broken hearts, her broken hearts. Everyone's broken hearts...

Yes LOVE is over rated.

I used to say I will do everything the same way if given a 2nd chance. But now I guess I will not.

Climbing

2006-02-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

I started climbing again today. Completed 4 routes, 2 walls, give up on 2. But it's a good start! Got my climbing shoes right after the session.

Climbing again on Wed! Hee2.

Damien Rice

2006-02-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

Please check this singer out.His husky voice and gentle touches of the subtle lyrics, acoustic music and the wonderful combination of the strong female vocal... And of course his honesty. Like in 'Blown's Daughter' -- til I find another person. Ya what do you think he will die loving you?

Gage and I were discussing about him the other day. Gage prefers his 'Amie' and I like his 'Blown's daughter'. We both agree the album is quite worth listening to. And check out the name of the album O. Gage told me it's cos Rice believe relationships are such -- an O, never ending or beginning... Such simple words or rather letter to explain such profound issue.

I am playing the cd as I am writing this blog. I know why I like 'Blown's daughter'. For to me life is 'so it's ...' . Always have been and I hate it so. 30 years flown past and I have always take the 'so it's'. I am a survivor, never an achiever. I take all things as they come. Good or bad, like it or not, I just take it. For if not so how? I am given the options, many many options but the choice is often obvious. Then again it's my choice. My choice, to be a survivor and never an achiever. Like I always say you always have a choice. Always...

And why Amie for Gage? He is my brother. Which is why I am curious about everything but never ask. Who is Hiro? Did she break your heart? Can I break her legs? I never dare ask. But when I saw his blog on Drops of Juipter, it broke my heart. I love my brothers. I try to give the best to them, shield them from all things (good or bad. sometimes you can never tell) but I know they will grow up. And someone will just carelessly hurt them, someone whom I worked for years to protect. Or torn their spirits... I shiver at these tots but I know I risk these everyday. I wish Gage will be as bitchy as he portrays himself to be. But fragile hearts run in the family. I doubt he can escape.

And so I ask myself why Amie? Why is calling out to Amie sad? And I hope it's not cos that's a living hell -- It was said that if you go to Hell, you will have to live, die and relive, die and relive, die and relive... the same death again and again, and again, and again. So I hope it's not the living Hell. I hope it's just cos somehow that song touch you...

Gage, be happy. Believe it or not. There is at least 1 person who live her life to want to ensure that. I am trying to be happy for I just realised it recently.

Adrian CK ChoonSze JiaHui JunYao Vicky

2006-02-26T09:53:00.000-08:00

In the last few years, lots of things have happened. Some beyond my imagination, some left me crying in a dark corner, others made me question God. And ya, life still goes on. But luckily there are friends.

Those mention above are the friends.

Years ago, they were names. Names belonging to my brother's schoolmates, some young kids. Then they became Gage's friends. But I must say over the last few years they have became family friends, my friends... Hee2.

There was a time I was worried about Adrian, about Ck, about Jiahui, about Vicky (the brothers so far have clean records. Hee2). Like they were worried about us sometimes.

And nowadays I am beginning to worry cos I am slowly falling in love with all of you! There are times I feel my head bursting with the increased pressure but luckily Adrian will lend me a sms eye and after some soft words, things don't feel so bad. I always wanted a guy with soft words. But God merely made mine soft so that I can eat them. Sigh... As for CK, have you gals been checking out his blog. You have to fall in love with him. If only I am 6 years younger. Darn. Actually I was most worried about misspiggy. I tot we shared some common traits. And if we do, I think it's right to be worried. But I was wrong. Gage was right. Misspiggy is a hardy pig! Smile ya, gal. Happiness is out there! But please stop calling me jie2 outside, let the rest of the world believe that I am just a rather chou lao 24.* Wink* And I am always grateful that Gage has a friend like Choon Sze. Then I won't look the oldest in the group. Hee2. Kidding. Basically cos Choon Sze is really a very kind soul and ever ready to look out and take care of his friends. Guys, let's be fair. Choon Sze loves everyone right? Not only Vicky. Hee2... And I am grateful to Vicky cos she does have the charism of a teacher. I think Yi Long could blend in the group cos he pull down some walls and Vicky was in that project big time. Everyone was la but Vicky is the gong tou mah.

So let's us fall in love ya. Continue to ok...

MOS

2006-02-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

I went to MOS on Fri night. That place is over rated.

It's something new. Refreshing. But really it's just Zouk with 7 extra lounges. And I think it's really a place for the rich. There are VIP rooms for people who spent 3k a night or something like that. But I don't understand the Maths I spent $25 and got 1 big hall and 7 small lounges but those people only got a room?! Why do you need to feel'exclusive' when you party? It's the crowd too you know... )And ya the countless of expensive cars I saw going into the carpark was incredible.

The crowd is ok. A good mix of locals and foreigners. You bet you can find your kind of music -- 7 lounges play 7 different kind of songs. But the retro room is not impressive -- not my kind of retro.

I think everyone should check MOS out. I mean it's the one and only place you can go lounge hopping within a club. However you can't teach old dogs new tricks. My vote is still with the Mdm Wong if it's still like it was 2 years ago and if the crowd are still ok or Newsroom.

And Ladies don't worry the guys are pretty decent in MOS. Very few hits and if you say no they will just take a bow. But I am sure if you want more hits it's attainable in MOS too. The drinks are strong (not very dilute) and after spinning on the dance floor for a few rounds. It'll be a world without strangers. Wink...

26Feb --Cloudy

2006-02-25T12:53:00.000-08:00

Yup tonight's a cloudy night.

I used to always look out for stars at night and will sigh slightly when it's a cloudy night. I stop doing. And I can't even recall when did I last do it. I just lost it. Just like that. Like the many things in life... You won't even know it. And when you do, it doesn't really matter. It's a shame but perhaps a luxury too. Staring at the sky every night. Looking out for the stars. Breathing in deeply as I marvel at God's creation.. Closing my eyes and wishing upon that first star that I see that night.

Tonight as I stare at the cloudy night, as I searched frantically for that first star I stumble upon the fact that I have lost it. I have lost the faith in that first star. I stop looking at the sky. Stop looking out for it. Stop wishing... And the lyrics of 'The Blown's Daughter' seeps in my ears -- and so it's...

Ya Life is full of so many 'so it's...' And now I comprehend the sadness in that song... Boy it stings.

Gage's Birthday

2006-02-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

Sweet 24 Gage! Happy Birthday, Brother.

Yup, we celebrate Gage's Birthday today. First dinner at home then a session at Wala2.

Haven't been to Wala2 for like doney years. Not much changes. Enjoy the band. Like the lead guitarist and love the lead singer. She is so spontaneous and bubbly! But most of all, the company...

Really fancy the 'remix' version of I'll Survive and Love you is good too. Hope Gage and gang enjoy themselves. I did!

The highlight were of course I got to meet Tawfiq( Gage met him in Bangkok I think. And I truly think he has open Gage eyes to many new things. So Thanks for showing my bro around.) and someone waited for JiaHui outside the toilet. Way to go, gal. More to come and ya give them the wrong no. sometimes. Hee2.

26 Feb! What a wonderful day. Cos 24 years away a star was brought into my lfe! Thank God for him!

Will you have a divorce? Look at your family tree!

2006-02-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ya I was informed of that recently. If your parents are divorced you will most likely be too!

I smiled politely to that person who told me that. My parents were divorced after 28 years of marriage. Why not 2 years, 3 years? Why 28 years? Cos there is a limit to tolerance. Yes, there is. Sadly...

Marriage I believe needs more than love (told you it's over-rated). Committment. Giving. Lots of giving. Forgiving. Forgetting. And remembering too. Lots of work. And yes you can just sit back and relax. Do all that you want. But be warned you are then welcoming a divorce.

Never be complacent. Never take things for granted.

No one says it's easy.

And to the person who said that crap to me. Just thank God that you are lucky for you have a loving father. And I thank God that I am lucky for I have a loving and strong will Mum.

Like the chinese saying -- who wants to be bald if they have hair? You?

Sadness

2006-02-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the radio today and the dj quoted from the director Lee An -- Sadness lasted longer than happiness. They linger in our hearts. And they made us think ...

And I tot -True. I grow more after a painful ordeal than a happy affair.

I used to have this friend from kindergarten who tells me happiness (in chinese) means they will not last. They are fast and you have to catch them. Which is why we are always chasing happiness.

But I am tired of chasing... I looked back and saw how I always arrived at happiness. Too much work. Too little gain... Yet, in the end, what I care is only gain. For I feel how I feel...

Like I said. Love is over -rated...

What can dampen the feeling of love ...

2006-02-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

I went to CK's blog to see if I can steal more happy moments from him but instead I saw this comment from his friend -- what can dampen the feeling of love?

The stress from work? The daily chores? Your differences? Her pettiness? His ego?

If you ever had a taste of love... You will know... None of the above.

Ever when you are angry with her. Her presence will melt the anger. You can never be really angry with the person you love. Really.

Have you heard the song High by James Blunt? Chew on the lyrics. You will feel that way.

But sadly I do think maybe love don't last... at least for me...

You asked me how...

2006-02-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am in a relationship for about 2 years now. If you asked me how do I feel about the relationship I wouldn't know how to reply.

I am not sad. Nor am I unhappy. My boyfriend is a decent, hardworking, reliable teacher. Devoted catholic. God fearing man. Filial son. Good brother. Dependent friend. i must say he is ok as a boyfriend. But...

I am not too sure if it's the age. Or maybe it's our character. But sparks don't fly between us. We are not passionate about each other. I used to be. I think so but not so much nowadays. Why... I am not too sure too.

Actually this feeling has been haunting me for a while. I keep asking myself if this is so for all 'stable relationships'. To no avail...

I think I might wake up tomorrow and regret writing this blog. Regret putting my doubts in black and white. But when I ran into Gage's friend's blog accidently and read about how he feels about his galfriend I realised my ans to my boyfriend's qn.

Maybe it's not our relationship. Maybe this is all we could do about our relationship. Maybe you just have to feel that we have met at just the best time. Maybe you just have to imagine I am the best person for you. Maybe you just have to tell yourself you are the luckiest person cos I am your galfriend. Maybe...

You asked me how... Maybe I have the solution. Maybe I don't ...

I long for ...

2006-02-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

I long for someone to love me. To treasure me. To hold me not in his hands but upon his palms. To feel my happiness and to ache my sorrow. To frown upon my enemies and to protect me from them.

Someone who longs to see me. Someone who misses my presence. Someone who is allergic to my smiles and laughter and catches them almost immediately. Someone who is affected by my pain and sorrows. Someone who shares his day with me. Someone who talk to me and talk with me. Someone who dreams with me and wonder with me.

Someone who is willing to waste a day with me, doing all the unimportant stuff. Watching the stars, smelling the roses.

Someone who appreciates me and admires me. Someone who thinks he is the luckiest guy cos he has me.

Someone who will whisper a soft word to me to cheer me up, to encourage me or just to tell me how much he loves me without blabbing the mere words.

The List goes on... And I pray that he will know...

MY Lapdog

2006-02-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

My best friend visited me during Chinese New Year and told me your dog is a 'lapdog'. A lapdog is like it's name a smallish dog that was breeded to sit on people's lap. Why, you are asking. Have you ever experienced that? A dog sitting on your lap? Go try and you will undersyand why people waste time to breed such dogs.

And guess what my dog prefers my lap... Hee2... Hee3...

The Daily Chores

2006-01-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

I was watching an old Shaolin movie with Yi Long one night. Yi Long commented that Shaolin trains all their Gong fu experts by mere daily chores.

My back aches have been killing me these few weeks. And my best friend (Wendy) told me to look into my daily 'bad habits'.

Ya I guess it's all these daily stuff. Things that we never take to heart that acts upon us. That builds us and breaks us.

I am 30 this year. I looked upon my life and asked myself what have I achieved? Years came and passed. I have gain some and lose others. Life have been kind to me. God is forever merciful. But I asked myself how long more should I depend on the kindness of life and the grace of God.

Just did flight with my batch boy.And he told me better get promoted soon or else my job security is only for another 4 years. But I am merely doing my flights day in and day out. Taking life a day at a time, a flight at a time. But frankly I am fearful yet it's this fear that bounds me.

I know I have to take a leap but I am afraid I might fall short. Then what?

Presence

2006-01-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write this when Yi Long was away in BBK. My Mum and I tossed and turned on our beds when he was away. The house felt empty and there is this hollowness and void in our hearts.

Ya 17 Dec to 25 Dec is a mere 1 week but day and day passed by very slowly.

When he was backed we told him about this feeling and Yi Long went like ya you missed a figure sitting in front of the pc all day long.

Yes we did. We miss him. His presence...

The house is Home again

2006-01-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

I think this year will be a good year.

Gage came home on 1st Jan06! And our house is filled with music after so long. Nothing feels better than having everyone back home. For a moment the place is totally lightened up and there is so much warmth in it...

Since Gage started his hostel life I guess the whole family got used to him being away. But we never really got used to it. Really. The house will transformed when he is around. And on the night that he returned we (Gage, Yi Long and me) stayed in his room, talking, laughing and enjoying each other's presence.

I know school re-opens on 2Jan and he will have to join the paper chase, amazing race, sport club soon. But at least the house will be alive with the sound of music occasionally.

And on this day, I thank God for not putting me as the child of the richest family or some famous family ( though I always asked Him Why. Why? Oh Why!!!) or a perfect family that has no downs cos I know our love wasn't on first sight and our taste for each other wasn't acquired and achieved without any fights or struggles.

Living My Dream

2005-12-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I want my children to believe in themselves. Hence I have to do the same. Therefore Year 2006 will be a busy. God give me strength to work hard and preserve in all I do. I will have to get (1) Car License (2) Childcare Education Cert (3) Fisaf trainer cert - I am deciding whether to go for the full course or just the course for children. Will have to do my homework to find out. (4) My bible study (5) Change my eating habits (6) Correct my sleeping patterns (7) Work out 1/2 an hourat least 3 times a week (8) Strengthen my relationships with my family and friends (9) Do more housework then if possible do more community work (10) Pray twice daily

My Dream

2005-12-28T17:41:00.001-08:00

I dream of setting up this 'Child development Centre'. I wrote down the blueprint for it.

One that recognises a child as an adult -- raising him/her seeing the future being.

And hence the basic :
(1) Religion - Allowing them to know that they are never alone. Always worthy of love.
(2) Health - Let them understand that they have to take care of their bodies. Health is the admission card to everything. Without it, nothing is attainable. Many sick people complain and lament and ask why do things happen to them. This is what I believe a cancer cell was planted in your body by yourself 10 years ago. And you continue to nurse and grow it. Therefore 10 years later you will have to harvest it. But I do agree that sometimes Shit do happens. However we must always on our part ensure that we tried.
(3) Vision - Giving them a sense of vision. Let them understand that they can be all that they want to be. They are capable of all things if they work for it.
(4) Community - We can live our lives alone but we will never be happy. Be a leaf on a tree. And you will feel yourself. Relationships make all the differences. Hence treasure every family members and friends. Always try to hold on.
(5) Hope - Without which live will be impossible.

How do you know?

2005-12-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

How do you know what is happiness? How do you know if you are living the correct way? How do you know your own existence? How do you know if your boyfriend is the one? How do you know if he is happy with you?

How do you know?

I never asked...

2005-12-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Something happened and got me pondering...

Once I saw this -- Kill it 10 months later it's called murder but now it's only called abortion...

How much or rather how worthy is a life? A life of an unborn, nameless child?

I am not for abortion but I know it's not a stand for all and in some cases maybe it's better that way...

What I did on the 4th, 5th and 6th Dec got me wondering am I really ready for baptism? I supported abortion in a certain way... I believe abortion is wrong yet I believe allowing a child to be born into this world just cos of righteousness reasons is not correct too.

When I was younger I always like to tell myself I have never asked to be born so why these shit? I didn't asked to suffer... Yet as I grow older I realised I have never asked to be born but I have never regret it and I have always allow it. I thank God for my parents' mistake... This I believe will be the thoughts of the unborn child...

A model for Love

2005-12-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

I grew up not knowing how to love ...

I have a family. I have a father, a mother and 2 younger brothers. But I grew up not knowing how to love.

My father adores me. Not the best one and he don't try but still he adores me. My Mum loves me. She endures a great deal of hardship for me... Perhaps it's a sin to say that but she is my God. She is the provider of all things to me... Without her, I am nothing... And I ought to praise her daily ( and I praise God daily for her). I have 2 wonderful brothers. Both quite different but lovable in their own ways. But still I grew up not knowing how to love.

I do not know if it's ok for a couple to hold hands in front of the children. I do not know if whispering sweet nothings with each other in presence of others is ok. Is kissing permitted? Should you share at least one hobby? Must you like the same food? Will having the same idol helps? Would you miss the person? Should you be independent? Dependent? What are the no-nos? What are the yes-yes? I do not know cos I grew up not knowing how to love.

My beloved Mum is divorced after 28 years of misery. Of living with a man who has opposing belief and thoughts and most importantly does not love her. And she has found or rather a good man has found her. And all a sudden I have a model for love. They are like old ( they are la) but boy does her boyfriend misses her, loves her,adores her...

I recently read an article regarding Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz's relationship. Despite their big age difference,Justin T says ' He enjoys the relationship, loves it, adores it, embraces it, praises it... Does your boyfriend do that? If not think twice...

And in another about Jet Li. Very often we asked 'How do you know he is the one?'. Mr Li has the answer! You realise, ' I put myself out there. I can give up my fame and success, give up my status, give up my money. I am even willing to die for her.' You realise this is love... So do you have love?

How worthy are you?

2005-11-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

How worthy are you? Have you ever asked yourself that? If you did, what was your answer?

The truth is in our asia culture we are always asked to 'look down' ourself for we have to be humble. And the problem about this whole issue is we tend to over-practise it. Fake it and you believe it!

My answer to the above question has always been 'not very worthy' or rather 'not worthy' and I always believe it is cos of my 'chinese thinking' but as I was talking to a few of my galfriends these days I realised it's not. They are all pretty 'ang mo' but yet they really really don't take pride in themselves ( at least I leave myself dinity).

And I discovered the answer to all our problems. And the answer lies in the question 'How worthy are you (to yourself)'? Will you love yourself if you lose your job? Flunked your exams? Can you still love yourself when your beloved boyfriend decided to walk out of your lousy life? Can you embraced yourself when you are fat and ugly? The list can go on but the bottomline is who are you (to yourself)? Are you your job, your exam, your boyfriend, your life, your body, your face? Admit it! You are all of the above and losing any one of them marks you a loser. But is this for real? Will losing your job be equivalent to losing yourself? Or your lousy boyfriend ( my principle -- a guy who can't appreciate me loses a gold mine...)?

This is also a new concept to me. But I am constantly trying to remind myself to grasp it. I am not my job, my boyfriend nor my body. And as long as I do not let myself down, I fight on. Losing any of the above might mean gaining better grounds. So fight on and ask yourself 'Who are you?'.

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

2005-11-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

The thought of this question brought intense fear. Firstly I realised I have many fears. My daily life is a daily battle with fear. Secondly and more importantly I discovered I have a hard time finding that fear, that greatest fear. All the fears seem to be the one...

So spare me a few days to sort things out and in the meantime -- What is your greatest fear?

Creep

2005-11-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Creep
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel,your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather,in a beautiful world I wish I was special, you're so fucking special.But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body,I want a perfect soul.I want you to notice,when I'm not around. You're so fucking special,I wish I was special.But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?.I don't belong hereShe's running out the door, she's running, she run, run, run, run, run.Whatever makes you happy,whatever you want. You're so fucking special,I wish I was special,but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?I don't belong here,I don't belong here.
SONG INFORMATION
Released:
February 1993
Found on:
Pablo Honey & Creep single and reissue. Live version found on Pop is Dead single and acoustic version found on My Iron Lung EP.
The big hit single. When it was first released, Radio 1 found it too depressing, and so after been aired only twice it was taken off the station's playlist. The song has been analyzed by many people, and theories of what it's about range from Thom's terrifying childhood to Thom's deceasd wife. Thom, however, was not an abused child, and he's never had a wife. At certain shows, Thom offers a partial explanation of the song. Written while he was at Exeter, he says, it tells the tale of a drunken student who tries to get attention of a woman he's attracted to; in the end, he lacks the self-confidence to pull it off. The song has been released in a few versions: the original contains the word "fucking"; radio edit (on which the F-word is replaced by "very") appears on several compilations and is a bonus track on the American version of Pablo Honey.

I feel like a Mother

2005-11-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

I guess most of you know I have a dog.

Boy, she really coloured my life. Guess my Mum too. Actually especially my Mum's.

And nowadays I find myself more unwilling than ever to go outdoors cos that will mean leaving her at home. Sometimes alone. And i question myself what kind of owners keep a dog and leave them alone at home. I feel bad when the answer is me.

Now I know how the mothers feel... I think I am not ready for that kind of experience.

P.S. : She has recently found a way to climb up our beds and leap off fearlessly. So today I found her cuddling up to me in the bed under the bedsheets...

Growing Pains

2005-11-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

I am a sister of 2. Gage and Yilong. Both, I pray daily for. Both, I wish and hope, only experience happiness and joy.

But life is not a bed of roses. And I know no matter how much I wish and hope they will grow up and they will experience pain. But as a sister I should just let go graciously and allow this natural process...

So, Dong, Long, remember no matter how old you all get or how far you all are away from home or family just know that Mum and me are always 'here' for you. In my eyes, you all are just still and always will be those little rascals. And Mum and me will always love you...

The angels among us

2005-11-15T01:39:00.000-08:00

I am starting on a very important blog about my Idol -- Gandi. He is my 'model'. So I am going to do some research before writing it.

I am in the midst of my research and it dawned on me that I have met a few 'Gandhi-like' people. One is my best-cum-very dear friend Wendy. Without her, I might have die like only 9 or 10 times. Another is a good-cum-beloved friend from Secondary School Lilian. Wendy is my ray of light and Lilian is the soft words that comes whenever I need them. In my working life, I have met Sulaima, my first Boss. I think I am quite an ok colleague and in my years of service I am still that same gal cos Sulaima whispered the golden rules to me. Thanks... And of course, there is Ivis. My guardian angel. I was lucky to meet her or else I will be very lost. And of course Pinto! He must be the magic harp that plays to heal the wounded. And last but not least, my brothers -- Gage and Yilong. My pride and joy!

All these people (I hope I have the time to write a blog on these individual people who have made a difference in my life) are the angels in my life. There are times in my life I feel life is not worth living. There are times in my life I feel like dying. There are times in my life I have no hope or happiness or spirit. There are also times when I resign to fate or when I wish to fight no more. These people helped me, inspired me, encouraged me and here I am writing again.

Praise the Lord for all these angels that He has sent!

It is your life

2005-11-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

I was watching this hopeless Korean movie last night and there I realised this -- The decision is never ours but we always have the choice. What do I mean? I have never decide to be in a middle income family. I have never decide to be a mere 156cm. I have never decide to have my pretty ok figure to be more on the thin and boyish type rather than those shapely ones. But I choose to look good in my boyish figure anyway. Hee2...

I always believe -- we always have a choice. Might be a easy choice, a hard one or a bad one or a good one. But the choice is always ours.

There are people from broken families who do well, there are others who repeated that cycle. There are pretty gals who make it big but ugly ones too. The list can go on. But I hope everyone remembers if you are not happy with your lousy life then you better get off your butt and do something about it. Cos it is your life... Cos the choices are yours...

A Sudden Change Of Heart

2005-11-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

Recently a friend I know briefly break up with her boyfriend. I was told she cried very hard. I got to know she is utterly heart-broken. Like my Mum describes -- it was like a flying ball that she never expected yet it hit her in the face. Ya it was a sudden change of heart. She didn't or rather never expect it. And her boyfriend was a darling. Perhaps perfect in every sense to her.

But this is what i have to say to her. Brat Pitt was perfect to me in every sense until he cheated on Jeniffer. Women, that is we always see what we choose to see. It's a by default feature in most women. If this is not an apprioriate example then look at Nicole Kidman. Her action spells her belief -- the perfect man who does not love me is not worth my tears.

I know what I am going to say will not make sense to you. Cos you have decided that this man, this perfect man has left you for no apparent reason and this shall be the reason that hurt. But I hope you have heard of this quote -- a bird in my hand is better than two birds in the bushes. And think about this, do you know a few good man? If you do, ask yourself why didn't it hurt that they don't love you?

Dried your tears,gal. He left you for a reason. Let him know it is not a reason, it is a mistake. Stand up and work for that look on his face!

Feeling sad will not make you feel better. Doing something for yourself ( now that you don't have a boyfriend to care for, you should have more time and attention for yourself. You are worth it. A million times more than a guy who didn't treasure you...). Choose to be happy.

Will and Grace

2005-11-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

Another sitcom I caught in NY is 'Will and Grace'. In fact I make it a point to catch it every night. One particular features Karen leaving her old and feeble mother-in-law to Will. And she made one sentence (to Will) that caught my attention-- How Do You Expect To Change Your Life Without Changing Yourself?

Is that an answer to your many questions? Think about it.

The Romantic Movies

2005-11-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

I was in New York recently. And one of the channels featured 'Along Came Polly' and '50 First Dates' back to back.

After watching both the movies, I felt very touched by the male leads' sincerity and love for the female leads. I really envy them and of course I wonder and question if they are for real. Will a guy who calculates and weighs all possibilities casts his carefulness for love? Will you ever love anyone enough to renew your love for love daily? Are those romantic movies created so that we can still believe and hope?(... maybe this is the one...) Or are they just reminders, just recollection of another's story?

And this brings me to ask if a man loves a woman will he continues to live his life or compromises so that their lives can 'tangle'. Is his compromising too much to ask? Is it unfair? So what izzit really -- to live as 2 individuals or to change and risk living like mirror images?

Of course the next question is is 'renewing' your love for that one woman daily too much to ask? Izzit?

I wonder...

Guess only God knows.

Live According to Your Standards

2005-11-12T08:01:00.000-08:00

You are the Master of your life. And yes this is your life. So live according to your own standards.

What do you mean you may ask. For example, I have a friend A who will always leave her cutlery on the table when we go out to eat and in that particular group, there is another friend B who will have to put her cutlery on a piece of tissue. Cos of their different in habits, B will always tell A off for her lack of concern for hygience. A will always feel that she is rather 'dirty'. Yet she will always repeat her habit cos like I say it's her habit. And she will always feel bad whenever B is around. Cos she is not living according to her own standards.

There are times I feel unhappy, rather worthless. And it's not until I ran into this ya ya colleague of mine that I realised I have been feeling a certain way cos I am not living according to my standards. So Joey thanks again.

This is what happened : Joey was serving a cup of coffee when a few drops spilled over. She quickly wiped it off with her fingers but was stopped by our boss who changed the saucer for her. She complained to me during the break. She said, "I will not shortchanged my pax but do not ask me to serve them according to your style." I must say she is hardworking and well liked among the colleagues and pax so she really didn't shortchanged the pax nor made her colleagues work harder. She was just working according to her style, her own standards.

So next time when you feel down ask yourself, "Is this your standards or another's."

Hope you have a happy life!

A Visit to Jurong

2005-10-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

I live in Balestier and if you are someone who knows me, you know I merely travel to work, to church, to gym and those are perhaps about all. I hate travelling. My prefered mode of transportation is perhaps walking but my bus 11 can really bring me to relatively limited places. Hence let me repeat I hate travelling.

Today I did a 'family visit' to Jurong. Balestier to Jurong. And Jurong to Balestier! Only for the love for my boyfriend...

For a couple who had a big fight on Sat we are doing excellent. My boyfriend is no valentino but I must say he is a sweet guy with many good qualities. He forgives and can almost instantly forgets. He is not special it's just that he puts in extra effort. Like what I said when we quarrelled that day, it's just a choice, to be difficult or not. He never choose to be difficult.

I love his job as a teacher. He is constantly tired nowadays and he is always busy. We have lesser time together. But he is so much happier. He laughs at the students, at the teachers and at himself. I love the smiles on his face when he related his days to me.

Now I am the happiest woman. Hee2...

Green snake

2005-10-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

Have you watched the movie 'Green Snake' starring Maggie (My fav female artist)?

I like the show though it's not the best remake of a classic movie Mdm White Snake. A little biased cos of Maggie but most of all cos of the ending. Esp the ending sentence by Green Snake.

She said (In Hua Wen lah)' You said Humans have feelings? But what about us? We, demons have feelings too. The years that we spent together. The sisterhood that we shared! aren't those feelings?' (Not exactly, but to that effect. At least it has imprinted on me as such.)

Those sentences made an impression on me. How often were you the 'humans' and the 'demons'? I am usually the demons. Recently I realised I have no desires to be 'humans' if their criteria are fixed in a certain matter. I will rather be 'demons' in many occasions. God bless my soul. He will know that I acknowledge Him in all ways. I praise Him for all things, Bad and Good. But I remained rooted in my many evil thoughts... In many things I will say my sorry and be the demon. In others I will just repeat what the Green Snake said...

Had A Bad Fight With My Boyfriend -- Praise The Lord

2005-10-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Had a bad fight with my boyfriend today. There were exchanges of hurtful comments and nasty remarks. Meaningful and mean-ful nods and shaking of heads. I was even sure that today might be the we decide to give up. We were so close ... But alas, we end up crying and hugging each other and he said the nicest things...

I believed even til now he must be very clueless as to why was I was angry and pissed off by one simple comment after a relatively happy evening at a movie. I wasn't angry and definitely not pissed off but rather I was convinced on that night that he will never be happy with me. Never. No matter what I do... Thereafter I didn't want to meet him. Let me repeat I wasn't angry with him nor was I pissed with him. But how do I faced him knowing that he will never be happy with me.

However today he insisted on meeting me. Hence we met and had a big fight. And the main qn was 'Are you happy with me?'. The one qn which constantly bugs me and constantly leads to 'should I give up?', 'will he be happier without me?'... We post all these qns fiercely to each other today and just when he was about to answer to them, he did the most amazing thing. He started tearing... And that broke my heart. I thought he would give me up with a little pushing, gladly. I didn't want to hurt him or make him sad just wanted him to be happier but he cried. So I started crying too. And we end up crying together.

He told me the usual things that I didn't want to hear but also that he thinks of me when he is free and looks forward to sharing his day with me. Guess the rest is history. Cos we have kiss and make up. hee2...

But I still am worried. You know that feeling after you quarrel with your boyfriend? That he might not forget the nasty things that you said. Sigh... I hate to quarrel with my boyfriend.

I had a bad fight with my boyfriend today -- Praise the Lord. For from this bad fight, we see that we will never want to give up on each other and we do truly love each other.

Who do you want to marry?

2005-10-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

The person who loves me when I least deserve it...

My Pri 1 and Pri 6 school work

2005-10-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

When I was in Primary One, I dreaded my homework. They were the most difficult ones. But when I was in Primary Six, Primary One's homework was chicken feet. But the sad thing was I will have to be tested on the Primary Six material. Sigh... Life is such. Never a bed of roses.

BUt I always bear this Pri 1, Pri 6 homework theory in mind. Sometimes when things becomes too difficult just go on. Don't avoid it. But don't have to border over it too. And before you know it, you will be in Pri. 6.

Wala, another God's wonder -- Life goes on...

A Recent Incident

2005-10-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Recently there was an incident. An incident that made me feel disappointed. A little sad.

My boyfriend's good friend and his gal friend break up. According to the good friend, I was the devil advocate... I abused the code*** and spilled some past facts. (Code*** states that what is in the past stays in the past. We should let bygones be bygones.) My boyfriend called me and told me what I did was out of line.~ And he told me he still wanted to face him, to talk to him... ~ (Those in ~ ~ just went like a BUZZZZZ ... to me.)

Out of line... Ya, lots of things I did was out of line. I was kpo. I tried to mangle with God's work. But God knows all I want was for everyone to be happy. Happiness is a temporary state of mind. But being with that someone, happiness will be a constant or frequent temporay state of mind. That person will drive your dark clouds away no matter how dark they are. Cos he is your sunshine. The worst joke he tells will tickle you. He might just be your source of happiness. I didn't want to break any codes. I didn't want to be the bad person. But was what was going on correct? Now I don't know... Perhaps it was. I was just one big bloodly kpo.

But perhaps it was good. For it opened my eyes... To my boyfriend's many hieracy in his mind. To who I am in his eyes. One big bloodly kpo. Ha2.

Where is my devil advocate? Give me the courage to do the right/wrong thing... Stop my tears from flowing. Stop my heart from aching. For this man who sees me as a big bloody kpo...

God -- My Love Rival

2005-10-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

God forgives my soul for saying this. But you are my love rival. My boyfriend loves you more than me, cares for you more than me, spends more time with you than me.

I laugh silently at this, but yes God I am jealous of you. And at times I am angry of you. Cos my boyfriend loves you more than me, cares for you more than me, spends more time with you than me...

My baptism day is coming and I am having second thoughts. My boyfriend says it's all about committment towards God. Am I committed towards you God? Did I sin when I questioned about spending time with you or my family? Was I wrong when I got pissed with my relatives for telling my Mum not to get the divorce cos they are Christians? Was it worse when the first thing that comes to my mind was what Gandi said ' I would have been Christians if not for Christians themselves'? God I have a thousand questions in my head.

But some things are for sure. God, I love you. I know you are watching over me. I know you forgives all my mistakes and still embraces me.

But Lord do you know my confusion? My jeaousy over you and my love for you...

Happiness -- A Temporary State Of Mind

2005-10-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

Happiness -- what everyone seeks and yearns. Constantly. Evermore (which explains why fairy tales always end with happily everafter...).

Sadly happiness is merely a temporary state of mind. Meaning it does not last forever. Seeking and yearning happiness constantly only causes pain.

Hence if you want to be happier just remember to cherish the happy moments and not lament about the volatility of it. Remember happiness is merely a temporary state of mind...

Sometimes I Wonder

2005-10-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder
Am I too fussy
Am I too picky

Sometimes I wonder
Am I too easy going
Am I too soft hearted

Sometimes I wonder
Should I love him more
Should I love him less

Sometimes I wonder
If this is God's blessings
If this is God's curses

Sometimes I wonder
Should I keep fighting
Should I run away

Sometimes I wonder
Am I in love with him
Am I in love with love

Sometimes I wonder
Am I crazy over him
Am I just crazy

Always I wonder
Always I ponder
Upon this thing called love...

The Leopard Never It's Spots 2

2005-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Remember about the imprints? The patterns that you can't shake off?

Hence it's not by choice, that you will be the bitch. Bitches are born. It is hard to cultivate yourself as a bitch. It's almost a no way situation.

If you can't keep telling yourself that you are the most important person, you can't. You can direct your thoughts for a while but not forever. If you can't keep telling others to make me happy is the utmost important thing, you can't. You can be the one with PMS but never the bitch. If you do not love yourself, you don't. And that make you less desirable. Cos if you can't love yourself, who can you convince to love you? Who can you kid?

Believe me, a leopard never change it's spots.

The World Belongs to the Bitches 2

2005-10-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

Would you agree with me if I said in every relationship there will be a bitch. I mean between the 2 persons there must be a 'bitch'. One of them, must be the more demanding one, the more unreasonable one and of course the one who is being loved more.

Everyone will tell you -- relationship is all about giving and taking. But honestly there must be one who gives more and takes less right? And frankly, they are the ones who are being loved more right?

So be the bitch. Be the one who demands. The one who whines. The one who frowns. The one who sets the rules. The one who lays the cards... And guess what cos you are the bitch. You will always win.

Like I said, the world belongs to the bitches...

The Leopard Never Change It's Spots

2005-10-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

The Leopard never change it's spots. All the leopards out there, you know whatI mean. Likewise the zebras,deers, tigers etc. We all know who we are, what 'patterns' we have. The sad thing is no matter how you 'upgrade' or 'modify' yourself, that pattern will still be there.

When I was younger, when I first fall in love, I used to do a silly thing. I used to fold a paper crane daily. In that ugly, little crane, I will write something about my relationship. It was like a love diary. This I did daily without fail cos someone told me with a 1000 hand-made paper cranes I can make a wish. Secretly I tell myself that will be 3 years plus and should we make it through that 3 years plus we will be together forever. We never make it through that 3 years, actually not even 2 years. And that was my first heart-broken relationship. I broke his heart and broke mine. Everybody's hearts were broken.

I was older and wiser and more 'experienced' when my second relationship came. I told myself not to repeat the same mistakes. But I did anyway. And I broke his heart and mine.

Thereafter I have a series of 'seeing someone' and ya all ended as I broke his hearts and mine. Then I realised my 'imprints', my 'patterns'... I am a habitual heart- breaker.

Now I am seeing my paper-crane guy again. After 11 years of breaking hearts, I am back to that first guy.

When I first started this blog he asked me why. I thought I wanted to tell people about my religion. I thought I have broken my habit of telling others about my love stories. I thought I have moved on to bigger things. But those were just my thoughts. I am actually a 30 years-old typing my paper cranes over the web. Why if you asked. Cos I am 30. I can't be like a 17 writing and folding paper cranes daily frantically, hoping silently that my paper crane guy will stumble upon them, read them and have pity on me. I now have a house to pay for, a job to be well done and a career to plan for. I can't waste my time doing some thing silly, can I? So I started my blog...

Told you the leopard never change it's spots.

P.S. My paper crane guy loves me. I know. I know it very well. But he is just always busy. When we were younger, he was busy with 'A'- level. Now he is a teacher and he is busy with school and students and when he got time, he needs to attend church and not to forget his workouts. But cos he loves me, he sms me daily and calls too.

Your bickering Galfriend

2005-10-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

Do you guys ever wonder why on earth were you in love with your bickering galfriends in the first place? Why are you still with her in the second? Love... Makes me wonder all the time. What is this thing, we call love?

Whenever I watched 'Everyone loves Raymond', that bickering couple in the show. They are so ... imperfect... but yet they are perfect. Their lives seem to be overloaded with uncalled- for arguments, petty fights. Shouldn't the perfect marriage be like a calm ocean? Shouldn't married couples always give in to each other? Shouldn't they avoid arguments? They shouldn't... It's ok to fight. That is, provided that you will learn from these arguments and thereafter forgive and go on with the relationship. You know, not learning from our mistakes is one of our greatest mistakes. How on earth would you think that the outcome will change if you never change the way you deal with it? How do you shut your bickering galfriend up when she tells you do not look at other gals in their presence but your eyes nearly popped out at the sight of a sexy one in their presence? This is the real life, the real thing. And this is what relationship is all about. Getting used to each other. Learning to live another imperfect human. Boy it's a lot of work. Pretty shitty too.

Guys just let me tell you when your galfriend bicker do you think they are happy? Do you think it makes their world go round jus by making you miserable? Actually I can't speak for all gals. But for me, when I 'quarrel' with my boyfriend, it hurts me. I love him. I adore him. I want him to be happy. But I love myself too. I adore myself too. I want to be happy too. Hence there are times whereby I get angry and upset and I 'quarrel' with him. Cos although it's sucky to quarrel it's part of the deal, the package. I wish I could be the demure, loving galfriend always but cos I love you, I have to bicker, to complain, to sulk. Cos I want to be with you forever. Forever, that is a long time. But I do want.

Hence forgive me when I sulk, complain, get on your nerves,etc. (And you better change your 'methods' if you want to shut your bickering galfriend up.)

Hee2. You take care in Sin ya! Don't allow the children to bully you.

Sand In My Shoes

2005-09-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote this article once... When my spirits was tore and broken. My good pal then always said I was an angel with a broken wing. Then, I lived and strived on my sadness and brokeness. I was miserable but I guess that was my comfort zone. I was used to the pain. It is like an addiction. I know it's no good to me. I know it's killing me slowly but surely. But I need that pain, that agony, that helplessness...

Sand in my shoes... What can this be about?( I think most long-jump participants know this 'sand in my shoes' feeling.)

I used to be a 'long-jumper' in my primary school days. After practices, I will end up with at least 1/4 full of sand in my shoes. Normal people will remove the shoes and empty the shoes right? But guess I am pretty abnormal. I won't. I will just continue my daily life with these sand in my shoes. Attend lessons. Run after my bus,etc,etc. Then when I reach home, my Mum will watch in horror at the sand and asked me why didn't I remove it? Why? I don't know. My Mum says I am lazy. Perhaps. The act of removing the shoes, emptying it and put it on again tires me. I will rather live with the 1/4 full of sand. I am such a person. In all ways... incluing relationships.

Yup it is about relationships. About my love for a guy. A guy who broke my heart into thousand pieces and I broke his too. He was my sand in the shoes.

Daily, after he broke my heart, I stood around looking at the broken pieces, asking myself why, why,why did I leave him? In the beginnning I thought I would forget how to breathe. But I breathe daily. However I was sure I would die.At least I hope. I hope that I could sleep and never wake up again. Never to endure that pain and struggles again... Then the pain left and there were no more struggles. Time heals all wound. Or at least it appears. To the rest of the world, I have recovered. To them, I merely awaits the arrival of a best man. But is there anyone out there who understands? I do not want the best man, I merely want him, the bridegroom. For without anyone knowing, occasionally including myself, he was there, in my shoes. Causing me pain at the least expected moments. At the smell of the flowers, he sent me first time. At the places,we went to. At the songs that he played and sang... Actually at everything. He left footprints all over my life. But I kept the pain in my shoes.

If you are asking why didn't I empty my shoes again. Perhaps I could tell you I am lazy. I could tell you how difficult it was to remove shoes, emptied and put it on again. I could give you a million answers. But the one true answer is cos I love him... I was afraid if I lose the pain I will lose him too. So keeping the sand in my shoes is a better idea.

Why am I writing this now? My pal just broke up with her bf. I bet she has got sand in her shoes too. But I hope she would just remove the shoes and emptied it. Or else she might find removing embedded sand from her soles more painful. I know cos it happened to me...

Why Dawn?

2005-09-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

I will be baptistied on 11Dec still I am sticking to the name 'Dawn'. Many advise and encourage a more saintly name. But I think Dawn suits me.

Dawn is the name I give myself at one of the darkest moments in my life ( beware not to say the darkest. Believe me the darkest has yet to come). To me, my name is a constant reminder that life goes on... Everyday, daily, without fail, there will be a dawn. Be that the day you lost your true love, the day you marry your true love or the very end of the world to you, when time comes, dawn comes. If you are down and out, if you are in the deepest pit, if you are in the smelliest drain, remember to pick yourself up, for this is another day, another dawn shall come... So if I Dawn should one day fall and just sit there and cry then I will deserve it when another Dawn comes and replaces me. Life goes on despite of all things. Believe me.

I called myself Dawn to tell myself to always go on...

So next time if you see me, remember I am Dawn not cos of the sunshine but cos of the darkness. And ya, before dawn comes, there will be the darkest moments. So don't shiver cos of the darkness but think of the light later. Wink, wink...

High by James Blunt

2005-09-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

"High"

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me.There is nothing else in the world,I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.Do you remember the day when my journey began?Will you remember the end (of time)?

Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.High; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?Promise me tomorrow starts with you,Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

My Dog 2

2005-09-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

I used to own a poster of a big dog. The caption of this picture reads,' To you he is a dog but to him you are everything.'

Perhaps this is the 'joy' of having a dog. They always love you. In good times, in bad times, on good hair days, on bad hair days, in health or in sickness. They love you just the way you are -- short or tall, skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, they love you. You complete their lives. ( You feed them, you shower them, you groom them...) With them you never go out of the honeymoon period. They are always excited to meet you, they miss you constantly and they will forever shower you with the gifts they have for you. (e.g. their licks and kisses ) I think alot of gals are beginning to realise dogs live a marriage vow better than a man, any man...

But just before you dump your boyfriend and seek solace from a loving dog. There are a few things you have to remember. First God created Adam and Eve and not Doggie and Eve. For a reason and two perhaps. Man and women were created to live and wa la love each other (although at times this may look incredicible). Man were given traits to protect and care for women and similarly women were blessed with behaviour to support and love man. Dogs will have all the abilities to love us. But how do they protect (they do but you know I don't mean protection of that kind)? How do they communicate with us (they do but you know sometimes we do need conversations)? The list can go on. However instead of dumping your bf for a dog why not keep a dog with your bf? Learn to love someone together. Believe me there will be tonnes of things to learn together. You got to start somewhere you know.

Looking for a Girlfriend?

2005-09-07T01:42:00.000-07:00

I was reading 'Her World' last night and was truly entertained by the article 'these men want to marry you'. Firstly I must say I understand why they are still single and available despite being a 'good catch'. One piece of advice I will give them if I ever see them ' Wake up your idea!'. Secondly when all women understands that men fall head over heels over pretty gals, men know what we go for too. However it's a 'in general' kind of thing. You know, in general, women like a knight in shining amour, a men who showers them with presents, a faithful parnter, finally a man who does his housekeeping,etc,etc. You do know it's an inexhautible list right.

You see when you are out there doing your hunting for galfriends, gals are doing the same thing. When you are listing down your many, many small requests, they are too. When you secretly cancel someone's name from your list you must know your name might have never exist in their list.

The problems abour relationships nowadays is that there are so many changes. Change in our attitudes, in our basic traits, our needs. But truthfully relationships are never too difficult ( saying this although I am struggling with me. But I do not worry. Cos I believe we have the basics jus doing some small repairs here and there. Hee2. Right, Mel?) . First you must know and understand in all relationships, it involves 2 persons therefore coupled with your attitudes, basic traits, needs, etc, there are the other party's too. Whatever that you are thinking, the other person might have thought about it too. If you feel angry about some things, she might too. If she gets on your nerves, you might too. Basically it boils down to lots of communication and sparing a thought for the other party. A relationship is not all about you nor her. It's about the 2 of you. If it's all about you or her, it won't work cos there are 2 sets of targets to meet in a 2 persons's game, fulfilling one does not help and most probably will harm the relationship. No one can be at the receiving end forever.

So if you are looking for a galfriend, start doing the right things. Communicate. And always spare a thought for her. And ask her to do the same thing.

Gook luck, guys!

This World Belongs To The Bitches

2005-09-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ya, it's true.

They command attention, fear, respect and nowadays even admiration. Look at the judges for all the idol contests.

I experience this everyday at work. The ones who are mean, rude and demanding get what they want. We bow and smile and maybe even shiver a little when we see them. We go the extra mile and sometimes another 2 miles just in case they might complain again. Should we know that he dislike something, we will run to the nicest passenger and ask 'Do you mind, ...?', before he could huff and puff at us. The last question on our mind to ask him -- of course he minds. Never pay to be nice. If you want something from a service provider, just be the meanest, rudest and the most demanding one. Believe me, they might even sum up the service by saying 'Your wish is my command.' . Yes, you are right. They will curse you, maybe even make a voodoo doll of you. But come on, in this modern age, all these can't hurt you.

On the other hand, I might have this magic formula for a while but I merely hold it in my hand. Should the service providers be rude to me, inefficient to me, I will open my hand and do as it says. If not, I will smile and try to be that nicest customer of the day. You make my day, I will make yours. The best service in the world will not tempt me to join the bitches...

So you know your choices...

My Dog

2005-09-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

I love dogs. Especially my own dogs, Lucky and Mocha.

I believe in the ideal world,perhaps in Heaven (cos all dogs go to Heaven!!!). Every child should grow up with a puppy. They will learn from each other, protect each other and be each other's guardian angels.

Why dogs? Cos they have such big hearts, such big capacity to love, ever-trusting,ever-forgiving and ever-loyal. The ways my dogs love me, esp. Lucky. For are times I just really really want to thank God for I know I don't deserve it.

And of course in that world, babies will not get astma from dogs or at least the in-laws will not think so. And Mums will allow dogs to sleep on the children's bed. (even if the child is 30...)

I can't change the way things are now but I hope when I have my children, they will get their puppies.